The Santa Fe Puzzle
by Elphaba'sGirl
Summary: He works at figuring it out, the Santa Fe puzzle. Some days, it's impossible for him to accept that he has never been there, but other days he simply can't imagine that he has.


**Hi y'all! How are you? I'm horrible, thanks. Because of What Happened. The Unspeakable Act, as ValandMarcelle so eloquently put it.**

**KnightNight: The three lines are "an angel come to save me, who didn't even know she gave me something to believe in," "Close your eyes, come with me, where it's clean and green and pretty and they went and made a city out of clay," and in the finale when Jack says "for sure" and Katherine echoes him. So cute!**

**Anywho: I'm not even sure what this piece is about anymore, it's morphed a lot since I started it a week ago. Tell me what you think it means!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own it.**

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They lose newsies sometimes. The streets are cruel. Sometimes they are killed. Sometimes they move to Queens, the Bronx, or even Brooklyn. Rarely, they move up in the world, get another job- a real job- or find a home.

Mostly, though, they run. They run long and far, far away.

There is a difference, you see, between running _from_ somewhere, and running _to_ somewhere.

There is also a difference, Jack Kelly thinks, between simply running _to_ somewhere, and running _back to _somewhere.

Running back to somewhere implies that you've been there before.

It implies that you remember.

And he remembers.

He remembers it so vividly, a time between realities, between the dirt and sweat of New York City and the blood and pain of the Refuge.

He remembers, even if he's no longer sure if the memories are simply dreams. He dreams a lot. He has hazy dreams and vivid ones, of a place where he can breathe easily and sleep at night not wondering if he'll wake again.

He works at figuring it out, the Santa Fe puzzle.

Some days, it's impossible for him to accept that he has never been there, but other days he simply can't imagine that he has.

And then, sometimes the days run together, an endless cycle of so little sleep and even less food and a blinding pain throughout his body, which eats away at him, begging the question of whether it is physical or mental.

When he closes his eyes, the faces of the other boys greet him, and remind him of his failure. He hardly remembers his past, and he thinks that if only he could figure out the Santa Fe puzzle, he'd be stronger. He'd know who he was.

He can't remember a time before he was Jack Kelly, but he knows there must have been one, because there are people like Warden Snyder, who call him Sullivan.

Sullivan.

It is a dirty name, that he turns over and over in his mind, trying to clean it, to find the truth beneath those cursed syllables.

He thinks about the name when the sky is dark, but the City is loud. He thinks about Santa Fe at sunrise, and then he thinks about them together when he eats his meals of gruel and stale bread, because he wonders if Sullivan would be able to handle life in the Refuge better than Jack Kelly can.

Sullivan, he decides when he's been in the Refuge a month and two days, is dead. Sullivan has been beaten and broken. Jack Kelly is still here, his heart is still beating, but barely. Sullivan is dead, and Jack Kelly is glad.

Jack Kelly is glad, because Sullivan carries the weight of too many torturous memories on his shoulders. Jack Kelly is glad to be free of him. Jack Kelly can breathe easier without Sullivan watching his every move.

There are still reminders, though. Warden Snyder still calls him Sullivan. Jack Kelly has stopped responding to the name, which only earns him days without food. Sullivan wouldn't have been able to take it, he decides. That is why he is dead.

Jack Kelly can take it.

Jack Kelly is strong.

Jack Kelly will make it out of here, alive.

Jack Kelly can solve the Santa Fe puzzle, without Sullivan's help.

And Sullivan knows this. That is why he allows himself to die. If Jack Kelly would need him, he wouldn't die. But he isn't needed, so he is mortal. Immortality, Jack Kelly decides, comes only when you are needed. That is why he is on his own.

He needs no one.

Not his father.

Not Crutchie.

Not Racetrack.

Not Katherine.

And certainly not Sullivan.

Jack Kelly only needs Santa Fe.


End file.
